Believe I don't even know if I believe everything you're trying to say
by bottledupdreams
Summary: s3... Clarke is a legend and everyone wants her... who can she trust especially when she's lost sight of herself?
1. Wanheda

a/n spoilers for s3 trailer..loosely based of that but I tried to have fun with it so yh..let me know what you think :]

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Cold; she felt it in the air around her, upon her skin as the snow danced around her. Like then, she felt it now; with each stroke of paint upon her eyes, each glide across her cheek, she was assimilating, to arise anew.

The weight of the shoulder guards lay heavy, but it's nothing to the burdens she carries upon her back. The dress however is a new commodity. It brings about feelings she never knew; she feels powerful, sexy and fierce all at once.

"You are a beauty to behold yet feared all the same. Are you ready to go? They're waiting for you Klark." A brunette appears by the door standing back straight; a warrior through and through.

"Just one more minute." Clarke doesn't look around she knew who was here.

"You're not having doubts are you?" The brunette steps forward, face ever neutral but her voice lifts ever slightly in concern.

"No Tari, just enjoying the quiet for a moment." Tari, an apparent nickname if the eye roll Clarke receives at the name is any indication, but there is a small twitch of the lips, maybe she doesn't hate the nickname so much, or rather the person to whom calls it her.

"Good, I would hate to be the one she sent after you if you were to back out." Ontari jokes, a slight smirk on her face, but her words held truth; she would be seeing her order through. Ontari walks out leaving Clarke standing alone looking once more at her reflection in the mirror.

"Is this who I am now?" Clarke wonders aloud. She runs a hand along the golden dress and takes in a deep calming breath; she was nervous but she couldn't show it beyond this room or to anyone. With one last breath Clarke turns and walks out the room following the path Ontari went. A short walk along a narrow hall, flickering flames lighting the way. Clarke soon stands before two guards; she nods strongly at each one to which she receives no acknowledgment.

"Let's do this." Clarke whispers to herself as the doors creak heavily and swing open revealing a throne room of someone of power.

Clarke harnesses her own inner power and walks with a newfound confidence and ferocity. Once she reaches the altar she glances at Ontari who is standing beside _her_ ; the one who saved her, gave her refuge and a promise of more; to be more than our pasts.

Clarke kneels before them and bows her head. She sees the shimmer of a knife by her neck and doesn't flinch as a cold hand caresses her cheek.

"Wamplei em nou gon we." _Death is not the end,_ Clarke says strongly as the cold hand grasps at her hair, clutching a small braid in between long fingers, she cuts it off. The figure stands back clutching the hair and looking at Clarke with satisfaction.

"Gyon op ai lukot. Nau gon prom." _Get up my friend. Now the Question._ Clarke allows a small smile to tug at her lips as she stands and declares the following words proudly. "Ai laik Klark kom Azgeda."

"Mounin houm Klark kom Azgeda." _Welcome Home Clarke of Azgeda_ ; Home, a place Clarke still struggles with, but she won't declare that.

"Mochof Nia." _Thankyou Nia_. The Ice Queen smiles proudly at Clarke. Clarke returns a small smile of her own, yet it never quite reaches her as it once did.

Nia turns to Ontari and her one other associate grinning. "Let the celebrations begin." She declares with a smirk.

"All the messengers came back with confirmation. All except one, I need not tell you who." Ontari speaks with obvious distaste.

A scowl appears briefly on Nia's face before she turns to Clarke a large smile back on her face.

"Never mind, she would've just brought the party down with her constant frown." Nia wraps an arm around Klark.

"Come my child; let's show the world what they've been missing." Clarke grins placing her own arm around Nia. At this a laugh comes from Nia's lips; a chilling laughs that echoes through the halls as they leave to greet the people waiting outside.

Voices can be heard outside chanting the name "Wanheda! Wanheda!" Nia pulls Clarke closer and whispers, "Our people call for you. Don't disappoint us." Nia squeezes Clarke's arm, slightly too hard, a hidden warning; do not mess this up.

No more words spoken, Nia releases Clarke as they stand side by side before another set of doors and two guards. The doors swing open and Clarke's eyes land on hundreds of Azgeda people chanting her name. A smile graces Clarke's face as she holds her head up high declaring. "Ai Wanheda kom Azgeda, badan yu op en nou moun." _I, Commander of Death, from Azgeda, serve you and no other._ If it were possible the chanting grew louder at this; banging on steel drums grew louder, stamping feet went faster people smiled bigger.

Nia raises a fist into the air and suddenly there was silence, no lingering noise, everyone stopped immediately.

"My people! We have suffered; we have been cast aside, but no more! They will look at us and bow as they should. For now we are even stronger; the mighty Wanheda is ours! Let's show them how we things in the North!" People cheer and scatter, music starts playing and people start dancing.

Nia turns to Clarke, "Do not worry child, I will not ask of you what you are not willing. Our people like a show, let's give them one." Nia leads Clarke down some stone steps and within the people, they start conversing and Clarke is swept away by it all, it seems so surreal. Never had she knew so much, seen so much happening at one time. Everyone appeared happy, and for moment Clarke was content that she was the cause of it.

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update shall be soon got most of this wrote up :D ...edit: Many thanks to strange jenny ;p for pointing out the translations being absent, I blame writing this at 5 am, then posting tipsy lmao...any other issues let me know...Do you like the translations next to the sentences or would you prefer them at the bottom? cheers jenny!


	2. Under False Pretences

A/N Here's where the fic truly starts...

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Clarke was dancing with one of the warriors when he leans forward and whispers in her ear, Clarke pulls back in surprise. Clarke considers a moment what he said and with a small nod she then allows him to take her hand and lead her away from the party.

As they reach the tree lines Clarke looks at him with a question in her eyes.

"I can not go further, you must do this alone." The man bows his head in respect then walks away slightly. "I will wait here and be your cover shall anyone come looking."

Clarke nods gratefully, "Mochof." She thanks the warrior whose name she still does not know although it was probably better that way.

Clarke makes her ways through the trees and out into a clearing where she sees a woman sat on a log clearly waiting for her.

"When one of the warriors told me that an old friend wanted to meet me, I wasn't expecting you." Clarke's face hardens as she takes in the one person she didn't want to see. Lexa.

"Hello Klark." The softness of her voice only seems to aggravate Clarke further. "You have some nerve Lexa!"

"I had to see you Klark; I heard about your allegiance and needed to tell you…" Lexa is cut off as Clarke takes a step forward anger radiating from her.

"What makes you think I want to listen to anything you have to say!"

"You have been misled Klark." Lexa tries again but once more is cut off by Clarke. Lexa doesn't roll her eyes just patiently allows Clarke to cut her off and gives her the chance to vent.

"No shit. By you! I thought we understood each other…" _Thought you cared about me_ , Clarke thinks but doesn't voice. Clarke's anger doesn't fade but her hurt begins to surface too.

"What happened doesn't change that Klark. I still…" Clarke raises her fist much like Nia had earlier and once more like before, there is instant silence.

"You do not get to talk about feelings after what you did. If you felt anything at all you would've fought with me." _I needed you._ Again Clarke refuses to tell her this, but Lexa knows, sees it in the way Clarke's eyes bore into her soul crying out.

"I'm here now to help Klark." Lexa implores.

"The only thing you can do to help me is walk away." _You_ _'_ _re good at that,_ Clarke mumbles to herself but Lexa hears and it sparks something inside of her, all calmness now gone.

"You act as if you're the only one to ever have been betrayed. I am the way I am because I learnt the hard way, just like you." Lexa fires right back, hurt in her eyes too. Clarke takes a step back surprised by Lexa's outburst.

"You say you understand, but you still betrayed me. You couldn't have been hurt that bad if you still plunged that knife into my back." Clarke shakes her head disappointedly as Lexa bows her head, taking it is as admission Clarke turns. Lexa looks up in time to see Clarke walking away and knows what must be done if she wants her to begin to rebuild the trust between them.

"Costia betrayed me." That stops Clarke, she turns looking at Lexa confused yet intrigued.

"I was once where you stood. Watching as the person you lo- trusted walked away. You said nothing was worse than a knife to the back, how about one in the heart?" Lexa pauses making sure she has Clarke's attention, also to gather her courage; she had never told anyone this before.

"What happened?" Clarke asks taking a step closer to Lexa; she wasn't prepared for this when she came across Lexa, she wasn't ready to feel anything other than hatred, because if she allowed her compassion to show she would surely break.

"She was a spy." Lexa nods at Clarke's surprised look.

"Imagine my surprise." Lexa adds dryly. "She was sent by the Ice Nation to infiltrate and gather information." Clarke is about to interrupt to ask more but Lexa hurries on needing to get everything said as fast as possible, otherwise she would never be able to say it.

"I should've seen it, but I was so weak for her; she could've stolen the stars and held them in her hands and I wouldn't have known. She made me blind, I saw only her; saw exactly what she wanted me to, until it was too late." Lexa's lip trembles slightly the only indication that she was struggling, if you wasn't paying such close attention as Clarke was you wouldn't see it.

"She died for you though?" Clarke asks confused, if Costia was a spy then surely she wasn't killed for Lexa's secrets, the girl had been giving them away after all.

"She had stopped sending back Intel; along the way, lines between pretend and truth had blurred. The queen did not know this at the time, so she sent a messenger to seek Costia out. That's when I discovered her betrayal." Lexa takes a steadying breath but it falters once she feels a hand grasp hers. A lump forms in her throat, but Lexa swallows it down refusing to be weak again.

"It's okay, you've told me enough. I get it." Clarke attempts to give Lexa an out but this only infuriates Lexa as she pulls her hand from Clarke to quickly wipe away at an angry tear that had escaped her defences.

"No you don't!" Lexa cries with anger. Lexa runs a hand through her hair and sighs trying to calm herself. "She was willing to return with the messenger in the hopes of making a deal; an alliance with my people and theirs."

Clarke had never known how the ice nation and trikru joined alliance, but she knew this wasn't it.

"No, of course that did not happen, we would not be here if it had." Lexa could see the question still in Clarke's eyes and wished there was an easier way to answer all her doubts and questions without any of them hurting.

"Please don't do this." Both Clarke and Lexa swallow thickly at these words. It would never be without hurt, for the past was filled with pain.

"They were the very last words that I spoke to Costia. She walked away thinking she was doing the right thing for our people, that she could right her wrongs, but I knew the truth; that it was most likely the last time we'd ever lay our eyes upon each other again. I was right. I just never thought it would end in her death."

"She tried because she loved you?" Clarke states but slightly questions still.

"Yes. She was mine as I was hers. I'd already forgiven her for her lies; I was willing to lie to my people to protect her, to go to war if need be." Lexa takes a deep breath and looks around the area making sure nobody could overhear. They were in Azgeda territory after all. Clarke takes a seat on a fallen log allowing Lexa the space to compose herself. Lexa continues pacing slowly back and forth while she speaks, being a little on edge it was the only way she could stay calm while she said what needed to be said.

"As you know the Ice Nation follow a different tradition than my people, they have heirs that take over command when the current leader deems it appropriate or they die." Lexa stops her pacing and looks at Clarke as she speaks now. "And well Costia was next in line."

"Wait, hold up…" Clarke shakes her head trying to comprehend all she had just been told. "But wait, if she was the Queen's heir then why was she killed, surely Nia didn't order her own daughter dead." At this Lexa swallows thickly and takes a seat beside Clarke she speaks quietly almost in defeat, a lone tear rolls down her cheek; she had fallen victim to emotion once more.

"Now you know why she's truly called the Ice Queen; even her own blood can't thwart her thirst for power. Costia's deal was a bonding ceremony between her and I; she wanted to unite our two people completely, she would be queen of her people and I as commander of the 11 clans, we would finally unite as 12." A quiet falls over them for a moment, Clarke didn't know how to react, she had a feeling how the rest was going to play out so didn't voice any questions, knowing that Lexa just needed to get it over with.

"Nia refused; she couldn't share her power, couldn't relinquish control… she wasn't ready to give up her thrown. So she had Costia killed, exiled her son, her last heir, so that there wasn't any other threat. She sent me Costia's head as a gift; that's what she called her... she said it was her face that I was fooled by and to take it as advice. _Love is weakness_ ; she didn't allow it to rule her, which is why she was still in power and if I wanted to live longer than any of my predecessors I'd do the same." Lexa remains unaffected even though inside she was an array of emotions ready to burst.

"Then how did she join the coalition?" Clarke had to ask. Lexa isn't surprised this is the only thing Clarke focuses on. Feelings weren't their strong suit.

"I took the armies of the 11 clan's right to her boarders; her people were dying all around her, but she refused to give herself up. Finally, after more blood than I'd ever wanted was spilt, I stood before her with my sword to her throat; it was then she offered me a deal, peace between our clans, only now on her terms. There were to be no more bloodshed, as long as no one from Trikru ever bonded with anyone from her clan again. We would only speak when absolutely necessary. I knew my heart would never love another. It was a deal I could not refuse. My people deserved peace after all, they could find a homon among the 11 other clans as they always had, nothing would change for them. I knew I couldn't let my vengeance take priority. The queen knew this too; she'd go to any lengths to stay in power; even submitting to me."

"Wait, I'm…" Clarke suddenly realises, her eyes widen.

"She knew what she was doing the moment she saw you. Under the agreed terms no one from my clan can have any kind of bond with an Azgeda, regardless if there's any feelings or not. If possible, we are to rarely interact at all." Lexa didn't know she could feel such a loss again, she thought about an old world saying her mother used to say, _between a rock and a hard place_ , that's how she felt at the moment and she saw no reprieve.

"Surely she can't just dictate who any of us consort with? You're the Commander can't you over rule her?" Clarke was struggling to reconcile with the consequences of the choices she had made, and those she now had taken away from her. It wasn't just Lexa, Clarke had formed some relationships with other Trikru people, and even if she wasn't ready to see them, now she is being told she may never be able to?

"We have no choice, we made a deal through blood. That means the deal only becomes void once one of us dies. She is queen of her people, I commander of the 12, to kill either one of us cannot be done without causing war between all clans. One person isn't worth that much blood, no matter how much one wants it." Lexa rests her hand on the hilt of her dagger wishing there was more she could do or say but she was at a loss.

"Right. Well, I guess there's nothing else to say is there. Thanks for giving me the heads up about who to consort with. I wouldn't want to incite a war over a meaningless moment of passion." Clarke says the meaningless part with a little venom; she stands and without glancing at Lexa says void of any emotion. "I hope you find someone worth fighting for."

She doesn't say goodbye because she knew their paths would once again cross; she was the commander of her own clan after all, yet she prayed it was not soon. She was still bleeding from past wounds; she didn't think she'd survive another blow.

Yet the blows kept coming. She heard Lexa stand yet Clarke refused to stop.

"I'd fight for you if I could!" Clarke stops at that, but refuses to turn around. Lexa takes a step forward.

"I swore myself to the 12 nations with the promise that I would always fight for peace. Choosing you would mean condemning them to a war I promised they'd never see. And for what? We hardly know each other. It's insanity..." Clarke turns then and sees the turmoil she had heard within Lexa's voice all over her face.

Clarke reaches a hand out to cup Lexa's cheek, she feels wetness underneath but no more tears fall. Clarke caresses her hand across Lexa's cheek, wiping away the trace of any feeling.

"Insanity only worsens the more you allow yourself to feel." Clarke offers little comfort.

"I don't want to feel." The broken voice of Lexa then whispers and something snaps then and it causes the emotions Clarke had been holding in to come rushing out as tears fall endlessly from her eyes. "It's okay." At this more tears fall and Clarke brings her forehead to rest against Lexa's, their tears now blending as one, as Lexa too couldn't control her emotions any longer.

"It's okay. You said it yourself, one person isn't worth all that bloodshed and don't we already have enough of it on our hands as it is?" Clarke drops her hands from Lexa's cheek but they don't fall far as Lexa grips them to her shoulders. Their foreheads still touching.

"I..." Lexa growls out in frustration.

"I should've killed her when I had the chance. Her people didn't want war they wouldn't have fought me. But her eyes, just like Costia's; I couldn't kill her. I vowed then to never give another that power. But I failed." Lexa closes her eyes as she admits her fears.

"Love is weakness, and as leaders, as warriors, we can't afford to be weak." Clarke steps away from Lexa who reaches a hand up to touch Clarke but she steps further away from it.

"I have a party going on in my honour, if I don't get back someone will come looking." Clarke quickly wipes at her face ridding herself of any tears and putting in place a hardened mask. "You don't want anyone finding you alone out here, you best go."

"I will, I just." Lexa composes herself as she takes a small step towards Clarke, once she sees that Clarke won't retreat she takes a further step and pauses. A hand reaches into the bag at her side and pulls out an intricate looking silver cuff bracelet a green opal in the centre.

"It is customary to provide one with a gift upon their naming day." Lexa reaches for Clarke's hand and holds it a moment even after slipping the bracelet on her wrist allowing Clarke to look at the bracelet. Clarke notices the entwining leaves and can't help the question. "Where did you get this?"

"The entwining leaves signify the continued bond to the Trikru, I was given it many moons ago on my own naming day. It will be wise to not tell others that, however, I give it you so that you may know you are a part of more than one nation. You will always be welcome among my people." _You will always be a part of me._ Those words go unspoken but as Lexa runs her thumb across Clarke's wrist, their eyes lock and she allows her eyes to say all the words they would never speak aloud.

"We must part once again." Lexa pulls away breaking the silence, she stands before Clarke trying to appear stoic but the tear stains upon her cheek tell another story; tells of the heartache they have endured.

"May we meet again Klark kom Azgeda." With her parting words spoken, Lexa turns to leave and just like before Clarke stares helplessly after Lexa. But unlike last time as Lexa reaches the tree line, Clarke runs after her.

Clarke jogs the small distance between them and as Clarke nears her Lexa turns, she reaches out, pulling Clarke's body flush against her, their lips colliding as one. Their lips move in a searing kiss, hands move in a frenzied state, grabbing as much as they can, for this would be their last and they were to savour it for all they could.

The moment was gone too soon; they break apart once more to heavy breathing.

"May we meet again." Clarke places one last lingering kiss upon Lexa's lips then turns quickly before she does something else reckless. She takes off running through the trees leaving Lexa the one now left behind, her too with a broken look upon her face.

The words echo in the space between, a broken vow whispered once more.

"May we meet again." Lexa turns but now with a harsh mask upon her face she begins the walk back to her people.

If the Ice Queen could take her own daughter's head so easily there's no telling what she would do to Clarke if she did something she didn't approve of, and Clarke had a way of pushing people's buttons. Lexa was determined she would not let Nia do anything untoward to Clarke.

"War be damned." She vows and this one like the other Lexa was determined to make happen sooner rather than later.

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So is there war on the horizon? Lots of ways this could end badly... is it worth the risk?


End file.
